First phone call

Eric finally called me at 5:30 this morning. It was amazing to hear his voice. Not to mention so good to know he made it there safely. He sounded good. I feel a lot better knowing I can talk to him now. Being a Military Wife you hang on to the sound of their voice because that's all you have. It's amazing. I feel a lot stronger today. I'm feeling a little more like I can do this. 10 months is a long time but it's possible. Other wives have done it, so can I. I'm hoping both Conner and I do better today!

Saying Goodbye

Today marks day 1 of 300..Or Week 1 of 44.

We got up bright and early, at 5 am. Eric showered at 4:45 and woke me up at 5 to get up and hang out. We drank coffee and talked. He finished getting his things ready and we woke Conner up at 6. I had breakfast and milk ready for him and Eric got him a new diaper and clothes. We snapped a few pictures of Eric and Conner. I wish someone were here to take some of me with them. We then loaded into the car and drove off to base. As we neared base we held hands and tears filled my eyes. As we went through the gate my heart sank lower and lower knowing the time was coming to an end and all to fast. We parked and got Conner out of his carseat and sat him up front with us. We smiled and shared feelings, and shared many tears. We told each other we can make it through anything, as we have before. Time had come to say good bye. Watching him hug and kiss Conner and tell him to be good for Mommy and that he would see him very soon was one of the most painful things I've had to experience. He then put Conner into his carseat and gave him one last kiss and gave him his paci, blanket and his cami bear that he made him. We closed the door and just held each other and kissed. We did this a few time because it's hard to accept that it's our last hug and kiss for 10 months. He opened my door and kissed me again. I sat in the car and the tears just started flowing harder and harder. He grabbed his bag and got his coat on. I rolled the window down to steal a few more kisses. As I watched him walk away I felt half of my heart get pulled out of my chest, as it went with him. Knowing I won't be whole again until he returns.

As I drove home so many thoughts were running through my head. You think about the little things that won't happen until they come home. Or just the fact of not seeing their face or feeling their arms around you. I cried harder then I wanted to. I wanted to be strong for Conner but I couldn't hold it in. Luckily he is so young he doesn't fully understand that my tears mean sadness. He has no idea his Daddy isn't coming home tonight, or any night for the next 10 months. We got home and I continued to cry some more. Conner offered me some comfort and let him hug him and cry for a minute. Knowing I have him to hold onto helps a little. He was up for a while after we got home and walked around calling for Eric. Tugging on those heart strings I know he will continue to tug on everytime he looks for him, or calls for him.

I feel a little stronger now after getting through this morning. I think once we get out of this house and get settled in Ohio it will help a ton. I just pray these next 10 months fly by and that before we know it we are driving back down here to welcome home our very own hero.

It's sinking in..

Well the day has come.. Eric leaves bright and early tomorrow morning. I did good all day today but I am having trouble holding it in tonight. Everything he does I know I won't see or hear that for 10 months. Just him giving Conner a bath has just broke my heart... Conner loves him so much and I hate that he won't see him for 10 months. My heart just flat out hurts right now. I can't stop thinking which is what I really need to do and just live in this moment with him. These last few hours are all we have for 10 months. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am.. But I don't really think I can handle this. I need him. I need him here to lift me up when I'm sad and make me laugh when I'm mad. I need him to sit and watch tv and laugh at stupid thing with me. I need him to watch our Son grow and see what an amazing job we've done as parent's. He's what holds me together and I just know I am going to fall apart when we walk away from each other tomorrow. I know I have to be strong for Conner because he has no idea what's going on and I'm going to do my best but I just don't know if it's possible. I'm hoping this crying that I'm getting out now will help me not cry as much tomorrow.

I guess I just needed to write it out because I'm sick of hearing 'you'll be okay' or 'I've been there before' or 'he'll be home before you know it". Sigh.

Leaving date

Finally something went good for us. Eric won't be leaving between the 3-7 anymore. He'll be leaving around the 13th. So now we have more time together and more time to get this house packed up and get things situated. Made me feel a lot better. Although I do know not to hold my breath because anything can change without notice! I kind of just want to hurry up and get this deployment started so it can end. I was stressed before about 6 months but now that it's 10 it's gonna feel like forever before we see him again. Everyday I think about Conner being without Eric just breaks my heart more and more. I hope Conner can handle it. I am sure after we get to Ohio and get settled it'll be a little better. It's gonna be hard not to have my own place for so long though. I am hoping to get there and get my room situated so that it feels more like mine and less like I'm just visiting. Military life is tough!

Leaving this house

I hate moving. But that's a big part of my life because I married into the Military. I'm having a really hard time leaving this house. I think a lot of my issue is uprooting Conner. Not only is his Daddy leaving but we're leaving behind the house he spent the last year growing in... The house he learned to walk in. The house he learned so much in. All his toys, and his bed will be in storage for 10 months. All HIS things.... All of our things. I'm going to miss this house. It's a beautiful house.

I honestly think if we didn't need to save money that I'd just stay here. It would be hard but I don't want to move. I want to stay in Mississippi and wait for my Husband to get home.

We started packing up things today. I quit because I just don't want to do it. Ugh why does life have to be so complicated?

6 to 10

So they decided to spring on us at the last minute that they will be deploying for 10 months instead of 6. It was to be 6 out and 12 in. Well now they decided (after this one of course) it will be 10 in and 8 out. Like what the heck! I'm not ready to be without my Husband for almost a year. He's going to miss Mother's Day, Father's Day. He'll miss my, Conner and his own Birthday. Our Wedding anniversary and so much more. I just don't get why they want to take him away from us for that long. :( It just isn't fair. We need him!

I'll be going home while he is gone. So that means I will be living at my Parent's for 10 months. I am grateful, and I know I'll need the support and it's going to be great to save that money. But it's also going to be hard living under a roof that's not mine. Away from our things. I hate that I have to take Conner away from his stuff. His whole world is going to change in so many ways.

In a way it would almost be easier to stay down here. We wouldn't have to pack and in a weird way I would feel closer to him. But like I said before we need to save that money and I know I'll need the support since I won't have any down here.

So now I am left to stress about this 10 month deployment... Packing my house and cleaning it. Flying someone down here when I don't even know when they should be here because we have no idea when he is leaving. He told me today that he may leave the 3rd of Feb now. Does he know that's in like a week and a half. No that's not fair. I can't handle anymore changes! I'm not sure how much longer I can handle the Military life.. Not with all these changes they are making. The Seabee's don't care about the Families that go through this with the members. Deployments are the number one cause to Military divorces. I don't want to become a statistic!

People tell me how strong I am.. Really I'm not. I can't do this. I HAVE to be strong for Conner, but I don't know if I can. I'm cracking under stress already and he's still here. Sometimes I just pretend I'm not leaving here. That he isn't leaving either and that we're going to be together everyday for the rest of our lives. Forever. No separations. I know that's not true but maybe in a weird way it comfort's me.

I love him. We will make it but I'm just scared!

Why I started this

I have my Family blog to blog about the happy things in my life. I decided that with the upcoming deployment in a few weeks, that it may be nice to have somewhere to vent to and cry to when everyone is sick of listening.

When I think about this deployment my heart aches. My heart mostly hurts for Conner. Mainly because he loves his Daddy so much. He asks for him in the morning and all throughout the day. And when he gets home he is so excited that he runs up to him and wants to be picked up right away. Knowing that Conner has no idea that his little life is about to be flipped upside down breaks my heart. He has no clue. He has no clue that when we drop Daddy off the day he leaves, that he won't be seeing him for 10 months. He wakes up happy everyday, while everyday that I wake up my heart aches a little more as that days gets closer. He is only happy because he has no clue what's about to happen to him. It makes me sad, angry and hurt.

I love being a Military Wife. I just dread being away from him. He is our rock. We haven't had to do this for almost 5 years and honestly I'm scared. I don't know how I'll handle 10 months. And why did they have to change it to 10 months? 6 wasn't enough?

Anyway.. So this blog is dedicated to the hardships that Military Wives go through.