A poem

Military Wives Prayer

At night when I crawl into bed,
My lonely pillow 'neath my head,
I close my eyes and say a prayer.
"God keep him safe way over there,
And make me strong so I won't cry.

It's kinda hard to be alone and
teach the kids when they're half grown,
without the strength of a father's hand
to guide them in this troubled land.

So I'll need a little help from you,
to let me know what I should do.
And God please will you let him know,
How much we love and miss him so.

And then I feel across the bed,
To where he used to lay his head,
and I close my eyes so very tight,
so I won't cry again tonight,
and whisper to the evening air,
"Good night my darling way over there."

6 weeks down

Well we've made is 6 weeks today! Sometimes it feels like it's been so much longer, but on the other hand it's like wow it's been 6 weeks! I have been hanging in there. I still have my bad days, always will. I'm so ready for him to be home already. I want our regular life back, to be back into our routine. I want to spend my evenings with him and go to sleep next to him. I want Conner to have his Daddy here to play with and love on. I miss those things.

Eric is doing well. He also has good days and bad. During the week he stays pretty busy so I don't think he has much time to think about it, but on the weekends it's harder for him. But he's been working hard. He's been working out and losing weight. He is doing so much better on his run. I am so proud of him.

Conner is doing good also. Still talks about Daddy and likes to look at his picture on my phone. He's getting so big. I can't believe that next month our baby will be 2! It's amazing how much they change and grow. Couldn't be more thankful for our baby boy!


So we're all doing as well as we can. Hanging in there and helping each other through everyday. I've found out who my true friends are through this deployment. I don't have many but the ones I do have I am so thankful for. I'm thankful for everything my parent's do to help me out. I know coming home was a tough decision, and in some cases it's hard, but I don't think I could do this without their support, and my friends' support. I'm a lucky girl. I dwell to much on friends that don't dwell on me so I am learning to let go of them. Just be thankful for what I have.

Well 6 down.. Many more to go. I hope the next months ahead fly by as fast as March did! Love and miss you baby!

Toddler Woes

I think Conner is taking all of this then I thought he was. I am sure most of his behavior is normal toddler behavior, but sometimes I wonder if some of it is just underlying sadness that he doesn't know how to express.

He's mean. I know that sounds weird to put it that way but he is so hateful. He gets so upset with you over everything. He loses his cool over everything. He has started hitting and pinching me when he is angry over something or just for no reason. I really want to nip this in the butt before it gets worse. I don't want to get frustrated with him (although I do many times because I am just as sad and upset as he is) because I believe a lot of it is just because he misses his Daddy. Where I miss him, but can express that I do, and Conner doesn't understand his emotions or where Daddy is and why he can only hear him on the phone.

It truly breaks my heart and I just don't know how to address it, or make it better. I am sure over time his pain will ease a little but I guess until then I just have to try not to lose my cool and patience with him, and support him when he is upset. I just hate seeing my little boy feel the way I do. We miss Eric so much and we still have so much more time ahead of us before we see him again.


I'm not sure if we'll be visiting him. He is suppose to go to Africa now so he will be gone from Spain. I'd LOVE to go visit him. The travel would be a pain, and I know all that good bye heart ache will come back as he puts us on the plane but I think it would just help break up deployment a little. I just don't know if it will happen right now.

Forever.

Deployment feels like forever. 10 months...is forever.

Well we've been hanging in there. Eric is doing well in Spain. Says it's a bit weird being there without us since we were all just there together for 3 years (well only with Conner for 6 months lol). He went and got a cell phone so I can text him and he can call me when he can't get to the other phone. Knowing he has it and if I REALLY need him I can call him. Probably cost me an arm and a leg but it's always there.

Conner misses him. He gets excited to talk to him on the phone... He tells him hi. Then I have him say 'love you' and 'miss you' and he kisses him and says bye bye to him. I bet it makes Eric feel awesome just to hear him, especially to say those things. We watch his videos and he sleeps with his bear every night. He doesn't call out for him as much, which makes me feel better because when he did it tore me up. He will once in a while but not as often. He also grabs my phone and kisses his picture. He seems to be handling everything fairly well. He is a bit more angry and throwing a lot more tantrums. I'm not sure if it's the toddler stage or him expressing his anger and sadness of missing Daddy.

Me.. Well I am hanging in there. Things seem a bit more easy now that we are here and I'm not alone. I still do everything for Conner but if I need a few seconds to myself I can usually grab a minute or two. I miss Eric like crazy. I've really realized how much he does for us and how amazing he truly is. Works all day and then comes home and takes care of us. Hearing his voice helps so much though. He comforts me and lets me know things are going to be okay. I have my moments that I just want to break down, and it's hard to go to sleep alone at night but I am holding up a lot better then I was a week ago.

On a brighter note. Conner and I may be flying out to Spain after this summer to visit Eric! We can fly Space A (which is free) and Eric can take a week of leave or whatever and we can stay with him in the Navy Lodge over there. It'll be nice to see him and break up some time. But I am sure it'll be hard to fly out of there. Not to mention an 8 hour flight with a busy 2 year old. But Eric is worth that, and so much more!

First phone call

Eric finally called me at 5:30 this morning. It was amazing to hear his voice. Not to mention so good to know he made it there safely. He sounded good. I feel a lot better knowing I can talk to him now. Being a Military Wife you hang on to the sound of their voice because that's all you have. It's amazing. I feel a lot stronger today. I'm feeling a little more like I can do this. 10 months is a long time but it's possible. Other wives have done it, so can I. I'm hoping both Conner and I do better today!

Saying Goodbye

Today marks day 1 of 300..Or Week 1 of 44.

We got up bright and early, at 5 am. Eric showered at 4:45 and woke me up at 5 to get up and hang out. We drank coffee and talked. He finished getting his things ready and we woke Conner up at 6. I had breakfast and milk ready for him and Eric got him a new diaper and clothes. We snapped a few pictures of Eric and Conner. I wish someone were here to take some of me with them. We then loaded into the car and drove off to base. As we neared base we held hands and tears filled my eyes. As we went through the gate my heart sank lower and lower knowing the time was coming to an end and all to fast. We parked and got Conner out of his carseat and sat him up front with us. We smiled and shared feelings, and shared many tears. We told each other we can make it through anything, as we have before. Time had come to say good bye. Watching him hug and kiss Conner and tell him to be good for Mommy and that he would see him very soon was one of the most painful things I've had to experience. He then put Conner into his carseat and gave him one last kiss and gave him his paci, blanket and his cami bear that he made him. We closed the door and just held each other and kissed. We did this a few time because it's hard to accept that it's our last hug and kiss for 10 months. He opened my door and kissed me again. I sat in the car and the tears just started flowing harder and harder. He grabbed his bag and got his coat on. I rolled the window down to steal a few more kisses. As I watched him walk away I felt half of my heart get pulled out of my chest, as it went with him. Knowing I won't be whole again until he returns.

As I drove home so many thoughts were running through my head. You think about the little things that won't happen until they come home. Or just the fact of not seeing their face or feeling their arms around you. I cried harder then I wanted to. I wanted to be strong for Conner but I couldn't hold it in. Luckily he is so young he doesn't fully understand that my tears mean sadness. He has no idea his Daddy isn't coming home tonight, or any night for the next 10 months. We got home and I continued to cry some more. Conner offered me some comfort and let him hug him and cry for a minute. Knowing I have him to hold onto helps a little. He was up for a while after we got home and walked around calling for Eric. Tugging on those heart strings I know he will continue to tug on everytime he looks for him, or calls for him.

I feel a little stronger now after getting through this morning. I think once we get out of this house and get settled in Ohio it will help a ton. I just pray these next 10 months fly by and that before we know it we are driving back down here to welcome home our very own hero.

It's sinking in..

Well the day has come.. Eric leaves bright and early tomorrow morning. I did good all day today but I am having trouble holding it in tonight. Everything he does I know I won't see or hear that for 10 months. Just him giving Conner a bath has just broke my heart... Conner loves him so much and I hate that he won't see him for 10 months. My heart just flat out hurts right now. I can't stop thinking which is what I really need to do and just live in this moment with him. These last few hours are all we have for 10 months. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am.. But I don't really think I can handle this. I need him. I need him here to lift me up when I'm sad and make me laugh when I'm mad. I need him to sit and watch tv and laugh at stupid thing with me. I need him to watch our Son grow and see what an amazing job we've done as parent's. He's what holds me together and I just know I am going to fall apart when we walk away from each other tomorrow. I know I have to be strong for Conner because he has no idea what's going on and I'm going to do my best but I just don't know if it's possible. I'm hoping this crying that I'm getting out now will help me not cry as much tomorrow.

I guess I just needed to write it out because I'm sick of hearing 'you'll be okay' or 'I've been there before' or 'he'll be home before you know it". Sigh.